Lucky is my first baby, so the time in hospital was a bit of a blur!
I have a blood clotting disorder, so I went to the Consultants at 39+4wks to discuss how it would affect my labour.
Dan didn't wait with me for the appointment as the hospital are notorious for lengthy appointments and Dan isnt the most patient man I know! So he dropped me off and went back home.
The consultant discussed the blood clotting and gave me a prescription for some blood thinning injections and said that I'd need an appointment to review my disorder in a couple of months time.
And that was that! Until he glanced at my blood pressure results and notices I was showing ++ protein in my urine.
He decided to measure me and do an internal examination. I measured 34wks, which was significantly small. So I went for an immediate scan to confirm this. The scan showed there was very little fluid around the baby and there was particles in the fluid that was left..
I was immediately marched over to the labour suite and frantically texted Dan to grab my half packed bag!
I was rigged up to the monitors to check Luckys heart rate and within 30mins it had dipped significantly. Within moments my clothing was being ripped off me and I was signing for a c section!
Thankfully, whilst they were preparing me for threatre Luckys heart rate went back to normal. 5hrs later I delivered him. A few moments later he needed resuscitating - all was well in the end.
The following morning we had the midwife come round the ward and showed us how to bathe him - cue crying! Afterwards the doctor did his physical checks and all was well. Early afternoon he had his first hearing test - not responding.
- Must have had water in his ears from the bath that morning
- Fluid in his ears from the delivery
"Someone will retest him in the morning"
As promised another lady comes around to repeat the tests. Once again she can't detect any response using the headphones, do uses the arb. I can tell this testing is going on for a lot longer than expected or what's usual!! She tells me that there are a few other babies on the ward that need retesting and it's completely normal. But couldn't give two hoots about anyone else! So she continues, detecting some sounds (high frequency). I can't take much more of this, I'm tired from the breastfeeding ALL night, overwhelmed, annoyed Dan hasn't arrived, baby blues..I disappear to the toilet and just cry! I realise that I have to return to the lady, and look in the mirror to see a blood-shot-tear-stained eyes, as much as I try to clear the reddening, I can't! I return, I know she can tell I was crying, so I try to not make eye contact, busy myself with my hospital bag and clearing up. We don't talk. She just stands there with this monitor repeating these tests, over and over and over again.
I just want her to leave him ALONE!!
Just stop touching him, fiddling with the sensors..
Thankfully she finished.
Says she'll return with some information and a date for the retest.
She does.. It's next week.
Finally alone, I close the curtain, pick Lucky out of the crib and feed him..
I never for one second did I think he was deaf, just felt vulnerable and emotional that my son didn't pass this test.
Later that evening I pick up the wad of leaflets and booklets she gave me.
"four babies are born deaf every day"
No way can my son be deaf with those statistics! I shoved the papers away in my bag and forgot about them.
It took 2 months of testing. Felt like we was there every week! Keep asking whether they are picking up on any sounds, which the answer was yes! So he's not deaf, right? He can hear! Kept hearing about "glue ear" "congestion" "fluid in his ear" "mildly deaf" so there was hope??
10th January nearly 2mths old, we are at yet another test. This time we got told to wait in reception... They finally have enough information tell us about all these tests they have been doing!!
Sat down, another man whom I've never meet before enters, all very smiley and cheerful! So he explains the last 2mths and they have a conclusion!
"....feel Lucky would benefit from some amplification. So he can hear you"...
WHAT??!! My son can't hear me speak...
He waffles on, about hearing aids and how great they look, and we can have coloured moulds - football teams - ....
What's he drowning on about?? I don't care about coloured moulds, football teams..
I just cradle my baby and break down in tears. I just want him to SHUT UP! I don't want to hear him talk anymore.
I get handed some tissue, and hear him whitter on about social services, teachers, speech and language therapist, and needing my signature. I scribble something at the bottom of some sheet he's thrust in front of me.
I just want to get out of this room.. It's closing in on me and I feel sick. I just need to leave this room, this department, this hospital!
The car journey home was a silent one. Me nor Dan spoke. He dropped us off and had to leave for work.
I cried that night more than I ever had in my life. I just couldn't understand what was happening.. I thought they said he could hear, I thought they said it was congestion, the bath water...
I called my mum. She always has the answer! Still cuddling Lucky I composed myself enough to say "hi mum.. Been told Lucky needs hearing aids..." *cue crying* from me this time!
After that call, I never cried or got upset about Luckys hearing again
That was my grieving.. Done and dusted, I needed to move on. I needed to be strong and fight for my baby.